Mom, Dad & Merk

                                                                                                                                                         

Here I am...curled up on the bed, with a big fat grey OLD cat Merk, who is just as curled up on my right hip.  It's either there or on my shoulder..and hes no little guy.  Hes sweet. He has eyes like an owl...yellowish sort of eyes.  Hes a cuddler for sure.
I spent Christmas with my family here..and it was pretty awesome. So many here. Fifty-two here for dinner. Is that unbelievable?  Yet sooo wonderful!?  Yes..we are very blessed. 
My mother had breast cancer last year...she was quite sick...but Thankfully  (thank GOD) she is here..to share Christmas with all of us.. Dad too.  How is it possible for one family to be so blessed.  I have to say it again...(thank GOD) Thank you.
I am here with my grand kids..who are amazing too..another blessing.  My four beautiful daughters.  One of which I have yet to see..but hopefully soon.  I miss her too.
I came here a week before Christmas...and looking forward to the New Year..and hoping that my husband will soon be able to pry himself away from work to come spend a few days here with me and my most amazing family. 
I am so proud of them..and  so very proud of my husband too.  I guess I want to have everything....lol.
One of the toughest things ever is to have your heart in two places..as mine is.
So I spend alot of time traveling...and being in two places. 
But I have so much love, that part is easy :)
Things happen for a reason..and I know my reasons for being where I am..and for what I am doing.. My heart is at rest now I do believe.  Sometimes the answers to what you seek fall into your lap when you least expect or before you even ask... pretty awesome.

So..Do you know?  What are your reasons for being where YOU are in your life?
What is YOUR purpose?

My Gardener.

God is my gardener that watches over me every day...

Blessings that are so numerous and special in every way.

His love like the sun surrounds me and my sweet family.

I don't know where we'd be without our gardener to oversee.

He is my gardener that  guides us and keeps us well and fine...

His divine touch and love is now and forever mine.

When I think that maybe I am unworthy, sad or low

Once again He speaks to me and then my soul does glow.

It seems my prayers are many and sometimes I think unheard..

Then my gardener whispers in the breeze to tell me how absurd.

That the doubts I carry around are merely little seeds..

Planted by that evil satan, like gregarious strangling weeds.

But God is my gardener and He takes such loving care

Beautiful sunshine warms me in the crisp cold winter air.

He tends to my heart so lovingly with hands so sweet and strong.

In my garden of faith I am not without Him, Where I go He tags along.

Let me count my blessings..my gardener.I'll just start with Him.

He tends my soul and  keeps me in His arms,  safe and away from sin.

Thank You for all I have and for all the things I have yet to see.

Wherever you are my gardener, My Lord,  thats where I want to be.

SNOW ANGELS and OLD CAR HOODS

It's snowing today..big fluffy white flakes..so beautiful...as they drift down to the ground..  I love to watch it snow. I especially love it when i can sit in my PJ's inside and watch it snowing.  A cup of hot tea or hot cocoa..maybe some starbucks coffee...(christmas blend is nice).  mmmm yep I love the snow.
I remember when we were teens and we used an old car hood and an old refrigerator door as sleds. Dad  would put a big light up by the barn at the top of the hill and we would have hot cocoa and hot chili that mom made..  Tie a big rope on to the "sled" and down we go...flying to the bottom...and as we get to the bottom we would hit this little hill  that my brothers made for the dirt bikes in the summer.  The "sled" would be like air born...  We would see who could go the farthest. Some of them got pretty close to the creek.  One idiot boy tried to go down the hill..that we did NOT use for sledding right behind the house.  Full of bushes and trees..not cleared at all.  He used a regular wooden sled with those runers on it....As I recall he ended up getting 7 stitches in his behind. due to those metal runners....lol.  It was lots of fun watching him ride the bumpy school bus on Monday morning... (giggles)  
My boyfriend at the time, Butch, tried as well..going down head first on the same sled.  Such craziness ..lol.
He hit a tree.  Its a wonder he didn't end up like Sonny Bono...
Course this was long before Sonny. 
Yep those were the days.  I miss them.  Now we can just sled on our wii's ...or playstation..
Sighhh......
You can't make a snow angel on a wii tho..I don't think?  Or catch a snowflake on your tongue.
Unless they already came up with an idea for that too..
lol.
Oh well... tomorrow I think Ill go bowling.. with the grandkids. I hope I can handle that wii remote  (smile)
Soo.go ..catch a few snowflakes. Make a few snow angels, build an igloo ...or a snowman, maybe a snowball fight... :) Make some memories. Enjoy life,

You just might like it :)

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Sunday, December 6, 2009 at 8:23pm
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I am sitting quietly trying not to think or be..

For the shadows of sadness are surrounding me.

If i am quiet and hold in the tears

Maybe the voice of God will calm my fears.



I stare into the stars and talk to the One up above

Maybe his voice will speak to me with kindness and love

To tell me why things happen that I don't understand.

I am reminded of the story of the footprints in the sand...



Bittersweet memories of my special loving friend,

In an instant one is born and in an instant it can end..

Sadness overwhelms me and it seems I cannot breathe.

For the inevitable future holds things I simply can't percieve...



I feel hopelessness and an emptiness that lingers in my heart

A hollow space that you once filled as you did right from the start

Bittersweet memories I cling to as I watch you and hold your hand..

Precious moments I cherish, yet for an answer "why?" I still demand.



I close my eyes and then I dream I can calm your labored breath

That maybe I can stave off this angel of darkness whom we call death..

I can call for a miracle to lift this shadow and trade all the bad for good,

Fill your life with light and love where the dark angel recently stood..



Although in reality I know all I can do is sit by your side and pray

That your life is in His hands and that He will hold you in every way.

That he comforts you and loves you and I know this much is true.

Due to God's bittersweet miracle...you are in my life and I love you.



I love you Cathy.. and I miss all the laughs and the tears and the hugs.

My heart just aches at the thought of you not being here..but yet I know that God

Must have needed some of your brilliant sunshine and laughter and love near Him.

That comforts me.

Knowing that you will be there to comfort Him.

I am going to Hawaii one day soon I hope....and I'm still taking you with me ..if only in my heart. Its on my "to do list". I will write your name in the sand in the biggest letters that I can.

Missing You.

I wrote this last night about two hours before Cathy passed away quietly in her sleep. I woke up to the sound of rain at 5 am. thinking that God was crying..I woke up and looked out the window and seen Michael on the porch...and the lights on. He came over to tell me the news that Cathy had passed away at 2 a.m. Now I know that God was indeed crying. Maybe they were tears of joy for the sunshine that she was bringing to Him...or maybe he was crying because he knew he needed her yet He knew how much we all would miss her..either way.. later the sun came out. We had always planned a trip to Hawaii..Like a childhood dream...and I am most positive that she had a "layover" or maybe insisted that God stop off at Hawaii...and that she sent a bit of sunshine after the rain..to let us know...she made it.


:) Yes Cathy..Im jealous. :) Hope it was everything you expected and more. I love you. Say hello to your family that is waiting to welcome you home.

This poem..was wrote late at night..and it was just random thoughts..sometimes sad, scared and funny..like our friendship at times.

RIP. Cathy Michael Dec.7, 2009



Missing You.



People around me see the outside as i smile and bury my fear

And the sadness engulfs me as death lingers ever so near.

I function and I live and for all eyes I seem to get by

while on the inside I am drowning and I cry and I cry.



Im scared as I watch my lovely friend slowly slip away

I know in my heart that it could be just any day.

till she closes her eyes and she will suffer no more...

No more tears, no more pain as she enters Gods door.



I miss her already and it just doesn't seem fair

Such a good gentle person who always was there

I cannot imagine her just being nowhere near

To share laughter and thoughts, heartache and tears

We could be oh so close and so honest its true

Share all our worries and what made us blue

So many unfinished plans did we have in store..

Road trips and ocean trips..or trips to the store.



..

Wal Mart was often a high light of our week

Shop, Dance or sing till we were too tired to speak

Complain the next day about being old and weak..eh, well,,

Karaoke at Johnnys....was not for the meek.



Seems we had just reached that content place you see

when it was taken like that..from her..and from me.

I can't tell you why and I can't take away the sadness

If i dwelled on it too long..im sure it'd bring madness.



Instead I am grateful for the time wh have shared..

I am thankful for her friendship and for me she cared.

So I'll take that and run with it wherever I go...

My sweet Friend Cathy..I wil always love you so.

My friend Cathy, Friends by Chance, Sisters by choice.

Cathy Michael  RIP  Dec. 7, 2009

Holiday In Heaven

Merry Christmas Cupcake.

How is it hangin' around in Heaven for the holidays?

I'm sure you have by now ..charmed them all with your ways..

Is it better than Tahoe, or a tropical beach full of sun and sand...

Have you seen the face of God, have you yet to hold His hand?

Ahhh..well..you know me....

A silly question to ask I know...but I'll ask you anyway.

What is it like to be in God's house on This Holy Day?

I bet that you are having the "bestest" Christmas yet..

So tell me.. what special gifts did God have his Angels get...

For someone as special and as loved as you were to us...

Im quite sure that all of the angels put up quite a fuss..

Sprinkling gold and silver around like the sunshine upon the sea...

Hey.Just between us..(.I wonder...... do you ever think of me?) :-)

I pray that all the angels make sure you are happy and they take good care..

With all of your Heavenly desires with nothing left to spare..

You've probably unwrapped gifts of precious wings made of gold..

And been given a beautiful crown filled with jewels , A lovely sight to behold.

A table completely laden full of wonderful goodies galore..

And a castle decorated so beautiful from the ceiling down to the floor..

With brilliant lights made of heavenly stars that sparkle and glow

A Christmas Tree that is bigger than any on earth would ever grow.....

Even though my heart tells me you are in a far better place..

What I'd really like for Christmas is one more time see your face.

Merry Christmas Cathy.

So many of us miss you ....I love you and miss you SO much.

Your Buttercup.

Tambra.

Dec. 25th, 2009

Santa..Please Read!

Dear Santa,
Can you please come and take out all the water that you left for us in my dad's basement on Christmas Eve, we really don't have any use for it.
It was quite thoughtful..and I am sure you had good intentions, but my dad is not very happy about it.  Its not like he could "fish" in it or anything.  Its not even deep enough for swimming...not that we would want to swim there either...coz the sun rarely shines down there...and what's the fun of that?
Soo yeah...if you don't mind..
take it back. I hope you saved the receipt. If you like you can merely re-gift it...I know for a fact that California can use the extra water.  Majorly!  So that's just an idea? 
I can even call ahead and let em' know it's on the way if  it would help you out.  I mean if you are too busy still..in some part of the world.  It didn't take you long to leave it here...so I am assuming you can pick it up just as quickly?
Anyhow..the rest of the gifts were awesome.
Thanks!  I hope I don't offend you..So you will come again next year.
All my Love,
Tambra

Christmas Blessings

Christmas...ahhh..Another one has come and gone.
The hustle and bustle of the hoidays..stressing over what to buy, what to make for the holiday dinner...the "must" haves...only to find out that the cole slaw that we absolutlely could not do without...we find still in the bottom of the fridge...as we are cleaning up after the dinner. :)
I love that.
It was a beautiful Holiday nonetheless..even without the coleslaw. Everyone is healthy and happy for the most part...It was good to be with my family. I love them all so very much. I live almost 3,000 miles from them all and I hope they know that just because I do live so far..there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of them or miss them. My heart will never adjust to that part of my life.
I miss my BF Cathy. Truly I do. She passed away after a short term illness. She was found to have Uterine cancer three months ago and her battle ended on Dec. 7th 2009. What a ray of sunshine she was to everyone who knew her. She was a fighter...and she left me the best Christmas gift ever. Actually two gifts. A coffee pot...lol. Which was awesome. She had her wonderful partner in life, Michael get it for me and my husband for Christmas. Maybe you think..a coffeepot??? lol. But it brought tears to my eyes. She has one of those fancy coffee pots..the kind that grinds the beans..I thought it was the best thing since..well....sliced bread! She knew I liked it...no...I loved it. She always said she wanted me to have one..and I said..noo...Ill stick to my little Mr. Coffee coffee pot. But she as usual had to have the last word..and put it on Michaels list of things to do..and bless his heart he did...He gave it to me the night before i was to fly to Ohio for Christmas with my family. I made coffee in that new fancy pot and packed my bags. It is wonderful!
The best gift though she gave me...didn't grind beans or heat up anything..except my heart. The best gift was the gift of love and strength. She made me not afraid of living and not afraid of dying. She did both so well. I visited her the night before she passed away. She couldn't talk but still tried. I told her I loved her. She mumbled something to me..I said.."I know, you love me too." She said... "I do". That was my last conversation with her at least on this earth. God, do I miss her.
Every single time I make coffee in that damn pot..though, lol..I'll think of her and I'll smile. Not just because I love the coffeepot so much, but because I loved her. I am thankful that I was there with her til the end. Thankful that we shared so very much the last several years. She taught me so much. I don't know what I did to deserve it..but she was such a blessing.

So I hope this holiday brings you some really special gift to cling to..something that will make you realize how blessed you are and something to make you smile.
I know I had many blessings in my life.
For them all I am thankful.